Police To Question Long List Of Starlets Over Jewel Theft

17-06-09

DETECTIVES who questioned Lindsay Lohan over the theft of a £250,000 diamond necklace are to call in Scarlett Johansson and Megan Fox while they're at it.

'Miss Lohan, where were you on the evening of 25th and would you like to see my nightstick?'

The Metropolitan Police stressed they could interview anyone they felt like and have drawn up a long, long list that includes Keeley Hawes, Elizabeth Banks, Gemma Atkinson and 'that bird in that music video where they’re all jiggling about doing aerobics'.

A Met spokesman said: "We have to pursue every line of enquiry and sometimes that involves strip-searching dozens of nubile young actresses and asking them if they think we're good-looking."

The jewels were targeted by thieves after it was discovered they had been draped across Lohan's naked breasts during a photoshoot.

Jeweller Emma Bradford said: "The price of diamonds remains fairly static. Anyone who can dig a big enough hole in Africa and has a negotiable stance on human rights can get their hands on some.

"But quality gems that have felt the touch of a sexy redheaded bisexual actress of variable morals will double in value."

Lohan was questioned for 72 hours by the newly-formed Seriously Fit Squad and made to appear in a series of police line-ups dressed as a French maid, a nun and, at the request of Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson, a Bavarian sheepherder.

Police sources said the raids on London jewellers, previously thought to be the work of a highly-organised crew of criminals on mopeds, may have been carried out by a coalition of Girls Aloud and the Pussycat Dolls, except for the one that looks a bit tranny.

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