Public Urges Ross And Morgan To Fight To The Death

THE vicious feud between Piers Morgan and Jonathan Ross could be settled by a very straightforward fight to the death, it was claimed last night.

Could this simple Roman sword be the answer to all our problems?

As Morgan renewed his attack on the BBC chat show host, millions of people across Britain suggested a fighting pit, bare chests and a pair of short Roman swords known as gladioli.

Duelling expert Martin Bishop said: "The shortness of the sword will require them to fight at very close quarters giving each man a good chance of landing the mortal blow. Better still it will increase the chance of this happening simultaneously."

Members of the public fearful of either Morgan or Ross surviving the contest have called for the winner to take his chances against a trio of ravenous Bengal tigers or, failing that, a Chieftan tank.

Bishop added: "It's not what they would have done in the Coliseum, but it should round off the evening very nicely."

Morgan and Ross have exchanged a series of bitter insults with each accusing the other of having no talent, compared by some observers to Telly Savalas and Yul Brynner accusing each other of having no hair.

But retired primary school teacher Margaret Gerving, from Sussex, said: "Gentlemen, gentleman, please. Mr Morgan, you're clearly very upset with Mr Ross and Mr Ross you feel that Mr Morgan has treated you with insufficient grace.

"One can often lose control of one's emotions in such a highly-charged situation but let us at least attempt to get to the heart of this particular matter – you're both unbearable, talentless, overpaid cocksuckers and the fact you're successful makes me want to erase Britain from the map with 100,000 atomic bombs.

"Now get in the fucking pit."