Resume Your Masturbatory Fantasies, Says Lohan

LINDSAY Lohan has given the green light to hours of furtive self-abuse after resuming her lesbian relationship with sort-of-female DJ Samantha Ronson.

Now if we could just get this young lady involved... Jackpot.

The very-nearly actress reassured fans the couple would once again engage in lesbianic wranglings so greasily filthy it would make them blow off in less than two minutes flat.

The couple split in January after Lohan told Ronson that adding a basic horn section behind a quicker version of an existing song did not make her brother a musical genius.

Friends said the DJ stormed out off their LA home after Lohan suggested that Mark Ronson was 'nothing more than a low-rent Jive Bunny in a stupid hat'.

A separation was organised to establish whether they could sustain two careers based on Ronson playing her iPod at a disco and Lohan staying off drugs long enough to watch her latest film go straight to DVD.

But negotiations were reopened last month after their earnings were revealed to be insufficient to cover their individual gak-fuelled chewing gum budgets.

Accountant Tom Booker said: "These are two exciting young women who are very much in dirty love and just happen to have fantastic new products coming out this summer.

"After some very fraught and emotional discussions we decided it would be best for everyone if we told the world they were nuzzling each other's clamps again."