Rich People Very Happy
NEW research has revealed that Britain's rich people are happier than ever, thank you for asking.
With the cost of living spiralling upwards and a recession looming, the Sunday Times published a long list of people who have absolutely nothing to worry about.
Top of the list for the third year in a row is Indian steel magnate Lakshmi Mittal, who uses people like you as pins in his giant underground bowling alley.
Hans Rausing, whose family firm invented a range of novelty key rings, is now worth £5.4 billion and sits around all day rubbing swan fat into his thighs.
His spokesman said last night: "A recession can be devastating if you don't have a tremendous amount of money. Have you thought about cheering yourself up with a novelty key ring? This one looks like a Womble."
But not all the millionaires have enjoyed a good year. Sir Paul McCartney's last album was an abomination, while retail tycoon Sir Philip Green has seen his fortune slip by around £100 million, fuelling speculation that he may have to stop flushing his toilets with petrol.
Meanwhile Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has unveiled plans to spend £500 million building the world's ghastliest house.
The 4000 square foot London mansion will be modelled on the government building where he used to work before he bought a controlling interest in a state-owned gas company for £12.50.
The home will be guarded by 72 lap dancers each armed with a leopard, while overnight guests will be woken by Charlotte Church singing Pie Jesu while dressed as a naughty angel.