The Patronising Of Susan Boyle Goes Global

QUIRKY Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle is set to be patronised all over the world, it emerged last night.

'Susan's old-lady hair is proof that no-one can imprison your dreams' said Winfrey

The brave 47 year-old, who has a lovely voice and a really great personality, even though she is chunky and rather plain looking, has agreed to be hugged by US chat show queen Oprah Winfrey.

But Boyle has been warned that, despite the severely patronising reaction from her UK audience, she may not be ready for the Oprah show, where more than a dozen people have been patronised to death since 1992.

Showbiz insiders say the brave church volunteer is set to make millions after her gutsy performance on Britain Must Be Stopped, which she will probably spend on some frumpy skirts and a cardigan, as well as a nice bit of salmon for Pebbles the cat.

Freak-wrangler Simon Cowell said: "I won't be giving her a makeover, she's financially viable the way she is.

"I think everyone, except me, was amazed she could talk, let alone sing. I just wish I could put her in a wheelchair. Without getting caught."

Amanda Holden, the inflatable judge, said: "Bravo Susan, you've really taught us something very special about what's inside each and every one of us if only we have the courage to dare to dream.

"I just admire you so much for getting out of bed every day and somehow managing to cope with looking like that."

Meanwhile Piers Morgan, the inexplicable judge, added: "I know that Susan claimed she's never been kissed, but does that mean she's a virgin?"