"This Time I Want My Own Drawer," Kate Tells Wills

KATE Middleton will rekindle her relationship with Prince William if she gets her own underpants drawer at Clarence House, the Daily Mash has learned.

Friends of Middleton say she wants a real commitment from the Prince and a drawer for her dainties, delicates and sleeping-in t-shirts would be an important first step.

"William has dozens of drawers and not once in three years did he offer even half of one of them to Kate," said a close friend.

"Seriously, you should see his dressing room. You need a step ladder to reach the drawers right at the top.

"That's probably where he puts things he doesn't wear very much. I think Kate would want a drawer much closer to the floor.

"It doesn't have to be huge. It's not like she'll be keeping jumpers there. Just big enough for a couple of bras, some panties, a few t-shirts and her saddle."

The friend added: "She also wants William to be more generous with his time. Which means oral. Lots and lots of oral."

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Only 75% Think Blair Is A Fecking Twunt, According To Daily Mash Poll

TONY Blair was thrilled last night after only 75% of Daily Mash readers said he would be remembered as a "fecking twunt".

The poll result vindicates Blair's efforts in recent weeks to secure a legacy that was not 100% abusive.

Wayne Hayes, professor of politics at Glasgow Clyde University, said: "This is an astonishing result for Tony Blair.

"I was sure that 100% of people would say he was a fecking twunt. I now have to eat my hat and it's a nice hat so I'm quite upset."

Professor Hayes said Blair would be "particularly pleased" that 11% described him as the 'Heir to Margaret Thatcher'.

"As a young politician Blair used to lie awake at night thinking of Margaret Thatcher. There was often quite a bit of noise involved."

He added: "The 9% who described Blair as the 'Saviour of the Labour Party' means that John Reid obviously spends most of his time voting in online opinion polls.

"And the fact that 5% said he would be remembered as the 'Liberator of Iraq' shows that many, many more psychiatric wards now have access to the Daily Mash website."

Meanwhile President Bush has paid his tribute to Mr Blair. In an interview with the Sun, he said: "I've heard he's been called Bush's poodle. He's bigger than that. He's my Labrador."

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