US Discriminates Against Dirty Old Buggers, Says Polanski

THE UNITED States has an institutional prejudice against manky old sods, Roman Polanski claimed last night.

Is sex with miners really worse than The Ninth Gate?

The generationally-ambivalent film director said that he will not return to the country until men can troll junior high schools with their hand in their pockets without being hurled against the bonnet of a police car.

In a 900-word open letter written on My Little Pony stationery, Polanksi said: “One only has to look at America’s prison system to see how they treat bold, sexual adventurers. It’s worse than having to watch The Ninth Gate or Pirates. Even I don’t remember that one.

“While it is perfectly legal to own a handgun in that country they maintain this medieval stand against deflowering prepubescent teenagers after plying them with giggle juice.”

Polanski is under house arrest in Switzerland having forgotten which countries would not extradite him to America due to exhaustion caused by a 72-hour Hannah Montana marathon.

His bail has been set as £2.5m and the director hopes to raise this amount by selling off part of his vast puppy collection.

Polanski said that by fighting his case in the US he can bring about a change in the law that would allow men to have sexual relations with minors as long as they have an Oscar nomination for Chinatown.

He added: “I realise this would also benefit Jack Nicholson, but I doubt he would take advantage of it as he’s not really interested in girls more than 55 years younger than he is.”