Wills and Kate ‘want to have two children and steal hundreds more’

PRINCE William wants to have two children with his wife while commandeering hundreds more to work as slaves in his palace.

'And are you allergic to Mr Muscle?'

As part of their official visit to South East Asia, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are inspecting dozens of potential candidates to become part of the couple’s ‘extended family’ of kitchen porters, horse polishers and garden utensils.

William said: “Catherine and I adore children. Except when they disobey a reasonable request to sit perfectly still while balancing an apple on their head.

“They fail to understand that firing a crossbow at an apple that is balanced on a gatepost or a dog is fundamentally unrewarding.”

He added: “Being a parent and a prince will be very challenging. As well as choosing the right people to raise our children we will have to choose the right people to identify, lure and capture our army of happy volunteers.”

The couple’s visit to the region is both part of the Queen’s diamond jubilee celebrations and a fact finding mission on the stamina and work ethic of Malaysian toddlers.

The prince added: “Unlike British infants, Asian children under the age of two have tremendous focus on the task in hand. They’re like R2-D2 or WALL-E.

“For example, this one would be great at carrying a large sack of beetroot or a side of pork.”