Without Me You're Nothing, Queen Tells Happy Couple
THE Queen has told newly married grandson Peter Philips to hand over at least 10% of his £500,000 fee from Hello! magazine.
The Monarch said it was only fair that she be allowed to 'wet her beak' in exchange for the international rights to her image.
A Buckingham Palace insider said: "The Queen took Peter and his new wife to one side and told them in terms which can only be described as brutally profane, that the half-mil from Hello! was thanks entirely to her.
"She told Peter he was 'six foot of broken condom' while his new bride was more common than her bog cleaner's bog cleaner.
"She said she had gone to the trouble of dressing up nice and turning out for the cameras and the least they could do was slide 50 grand her way."
Meanwhile Prince Harry has defended his decision to force two dozen cars off the road during a 100mph dash to his favourite London nightclub.
A Clarence House spokesman said: "It was Binty Cecil's fourth annual Pimm's and Partridge Party.
"His Royal Highness had agreed to throttle the first partridge and so he instructed his security team to terrorise a handful of small family cars onto the hard shoulder.
"These sorts of decisions are never taken lightly and we regret that so many people met firey deaths on the M4."
He added: "The party was a great success and the Prince enjoyed himself enormously."