Animals Obstructing Progress

SUPERFLUOUS wildlife is still hampering vital progress in the logging and fast food industries, it was claimed last night.

Despite their declining numbers, obscure species like the Patagonian fox wolf and a type of ochre-coloured bear that smells of burned peaches still pose a serious hindrance to companies working to transform their dank, hostile forest habitats into something useful or tasty.

Logging company boss Roy Hobbs said: “The rainforests are still absolutely riddled with weird-looking, time-wasting creatures that try to hump your leg and make a real mess when they get mulched up in heavy machinery.

“I personally spent most of this morning picking bits of some slow-moving marsupial dog out of caterpillar tracks, and ruined my chinos into the bargain.

“Probably some of these species haven’t even been named. Although I collectively call them ‘fuckers’.”

He added: “The worst are the cute ones, because everyone stops to coo over them. Then before you know it the kettle’s on and that’s an afternoon wasted.”

Experts at the Institute for Studies estimate that there are as many as 10,000 species that still refuse to die out, despite being completely obsolete in any evolutionary sense.

Prof Nikki Hollis said: “We’ve got plenty of what you might call ‘proper’ animals â€“ dogs, horses, cats – but there’s still way too much random shit out there that serves no useful purpose and doesn’t even taste good.’

“And there’s plenty of losers who are determined to save them because they had some sort of pathetic eco-warrior epiphany while watching Avatar, not even realising that the reason their wiener cost a fiver is that busy pig farmers keep getting molested by simian owls.”

Election Finally Produces A Result

AFTER five hectic days the general election produced a result last night as the sociopath who has been dicking about with your life for the last 13 years finally got the fucking message.

In a historic announcement Gordon Brown said he was standing down but not before he had discharged his constitutional duty to steal the government for the sack of shit-eating weasel arseholes who have spent most of their shabby careers licking his greasy balls.

Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said Mr Brown’s statement ‘smoothed the way towards a stable government’ involving an as yet unidentified prime minister, a collection of lying, two-faced whores, some Welsh, Scottish, Irish and possibly Cornish nationalists, a lady from Brighton who drives a car made of yeast, as well as the Roly Polys, the Wurzels and the Average White Band.

Tom Logan, a progressive person from Finsbury Park, said: “On paper that sounds like it should work perfectly.

“That said, I would be slightly concerned that the Wurzels will hold the country to ransom every time they want some more cider, while English taxpayers will end up having to subsidise even more of the Average White Band’s funky baselines.”

Julian Cook, professor of politics at Reading University, added: “After five extraordinary days I suspect that Britain is now really starting to regret having Lib Dems.

“John F Kennedy once remarked that the ‘hottest places in hell are reserved for those who sat on the fence’ but of course, I think what he actually meant to say was ‘Good God, the Lib Dems really are a bunch of fucking cocksuckers, aren’t they?’.”

Meanwhile the prospect of a Labour-led ‘progressive’ coalition has been welcomed by thousands of limbless Iraqis, torture victims and people whose DNA is now kept on a database because they signed a petition in the post office about a new bypass.

Abdul Al-Kaleem, a former limb owner from Basra, said: “I admire the British Labour Party. They managed to progress my legs off very efficiently, while my Uncle Karim was progressed over a wide area.

“I remember being handed what was left of his chin and thinking ‘yes, this is definitely progress’.”

Mohammed Iqbal, from Bradford, said that when he was being tortured by the CIA with the tacit approval of the Labour Party he was comforted by the fact that gay people could now form civil partnerships.

He added: “As the electricity coursed through my flailing body and the pliers tightened once more around my already swollen testicles, I smiled at the thought of Elton John and David Furnish having a big, fancy party to celebrate their same sex love.”

And bypass petitioner Martin Bishop, who is now snuggled nicely into the DNA database between a murderer and a paedophile, said he was impressed by the progress the police had made in taking dozens of photographs of his house.

He added: “It’s all very impressive. They keep my DNA on a big computer and, who knows, maybe one day they can use it convict me for a crime I didn’t commit.

“It truly is a golden age.”