Environment accused of benefit fraud

THE environment has been accused of wasting taxpayer’s money on virtually useless plants and animals.

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Despite receiving billions annually in government support, the environment has continued to forego economic growth in favour of sustaining various living organisms, most of which do not have jobs or pay tax.

Economist Denys Finch-Hatton said: “The biosphere regularly squanders millions of pounds on projects such as rats, pigeons and grey squirrels which do nothing to propel growth and in fact just shit everywhere.

“This all happens under the guise of sustaining humanity.

“The environment also displays a heavy bias towards so-called green issues, and a tedious insistence on the reality of global warming, which is hardly conducive to getting us out of a double-dip recession.

“We’re humans, not those hippy cat things in Avatar, and we need to see a return on our investment.

“There’s a saying that money doesn’t grow on trees but why not? I’m sure nature could give us a money tree if it wasn’t following its own leafy liberal agenda.

“The only worthwhile things the natural world has given us in the last fifteen years has been that dog that won Britain’s Got Talent, and LOLcats, and even then the animals were partially domesticated.”