Everything shagging

AS the first weekend of spring begins, the British countryside has come alive with rampant sex.

Sticks that look like erections traditionally have faces stuck on them

Naturalists are predicting this new season will be one of the most fornication-packed ever, as creatures of all shapes and sizes become aroused after a long, cold winter of sexual dormancy.

Wildlife expert Bill McKay, author of Notes on Spring: Nature’s Own Fuck Fest said: “The sun is out, the days are lengthening, Britain’s wildlife is once again looking to get its swerve on.

“I was out in the Cotswolds yesterday, and the hedgerows were reverberating with mammalian squeaks and squeals of unbridled pleasure.

“There were rabbits doing it, as you’d expect, but also pigeons, mice and foxes were getting lucky.

“I even saw a badger getting double-teamed by a kestrel and a rare Natterjack toad, latin name Bufo Calamita. Goodness, that badger was really getting nailed.

“It’s really a great privilege to watch this rich tapestry of life unfolding.”

Laurie Lee wrote of spring in his poem April Rise, ‘If ever world were blessed, it is when the boning time begins.’

Elsewhere in rural Britain, giggling pubescent girls in white floaty dresses have been dancing around a phallic totem at a supposedly family-friendly event called a ‘fete’, while a leering half-goat piper looks on from behind a bush.