Flood victims finally getting the blame they deserve

PEOPLE whose houses have flooded are responsible for most of society’s ills, it has emerged.

A group of floodies is called a shoal

As environment secretary Caroline Spelman announced plans for a 10% increase in normal, dry, families’ insurance premiums to cover scrounging flood people or ‘floodies’, many have begun to wonder what else the water rats might be responsible for.

In some areas floodies have been rounded up, put in secure relocation camps for their own protection and forced to wear big blue drip patches on their shoulders so decent people know to avoid them.

Taxi driver Julian Cook said: “I’m supposed to feel sorry for them when they’re too bloody stupid to have their entire house coated in vulcanised rubber?

“These people move to wet areas deliberately, so that when the houses inevitably flood they can sting the insurance companies.

“You see them on telly with their dingies and helicopters. How come they’ve got those things if they weren’t planning it?”

Appearing on today’s Jeremy Kyle show are a flooded-out family of four, who will appear above the caption ‘Can’t be bothered to close windows when it’s raining – and you foot the bill!’ while being howled at by an audience of hostile large people.

Housewife Nikki Hollis said: “They are the gypsies of the water. Aimlessly floating around on bits of old wood, claiming benefits and stealing copper.

“They’re not really a part of our society, are they? More like something from the unsuccessful Kevin Costner film Waterworld.

“You know they’ve got gills.”