Green Campaign Urges Drivers To Get Wedged Under Lorry

19-03-10

THE government's latest green motoring campaign is urging drivers to switch off their engines and get wedged under a massive lorry.

There may also be quite a lot of vomiting

Ministers say the scheme could cut CO2 emissions by seven percent over the next three years and will only be mind-buggeringly terrifying for the first hour or so.

The move comes after a woman who was pushed for two miles along the A1(M) near Wetherby in a Renault Clio said she had saved more than 20p on petrol.

Helen Archer, from Doncaster, said: "At first I screamed a lot but then I realised that not only was I saving money but I was doing my bit to help the environment. And then I lost control of my bladder."

Under the scheme drivers will sit on the hard shoulder of a major trunk road and wait until a massive lorry comes into view.

They will then edge slowly onto the inside lane and be swept up by the unstoppable momentum of the 20 tonne vehicle, while ensuring they have written their chosen turn-off on a piece of paper and sellotaped it to the rear windscreen.

Experts say that once the driver has overcome the sense of hurtling uncontrollably towards certain death they will relax, read a book or listen to some music until the lorry driver spins them off at the correct junction.

The scheme will be voluntary for the first year after which there will be fines of up to £8000 for anyone who does not place their car in the path of a juggernaut.

Climate change secretary Ed Miliband said: "We have to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels and tap into our lorry drivers' psychotic indifference to the sanctity of human life.

"By 2015 we would hope to see hundreds of hybrid cars full of local authority recycling consultants being pushed up and down our motorway network by the vast fleet of bio-diesel lorries transporting George Monbiot's weekly medication."

 

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