Joyless carp-processing season begins

THOUSANDS of men have resumed their hobby of processing carp at man-made industrial carp holes.

Women may participate if dressed as soldiers

The carp-processing season has begun again, allowing ill-tempered males to drag thousands of pounds’ worth of technology to big purpose-built ponds stuffed with fat, bored fish.

Stephen Malley, editor of Joyless¬†Carp Processing Monthly magazine, said: “Carp processing is all about taking a lot of military-style bleeping things to a big hole that a businessman has filled with water, getting as many fish out of it as possible, then immediately putting them back in.

“It is important that the fish are big.

“Obviously it’s about getting away from your wife, but it’s also about being outdoors in a completely unnatural environment and having a severe facial expression.”

Roy Hobbs is the current UK Carp Processing Champion, having processed 985,594,934 carp in three hours.

He said: “I actually use a robot, the Carpatron 9000, which is like a big hoover that sucks in the fish then spits them out again, with a ‘fish counter’ on its side. I don’t even have to get out of the car.

“It’s great, it’s absolutely no fun which is what carp processing is all about.”