Organic Shoppers Rewarded With Right To Commit Evil
SHOPPERS are being offered the chance to use ethical purchases to 'offset' acts of unspeakable foulness.
The Eco-Path project aims to encourage consumers to shop sustainably in exchange for the legal right to indulge their darkest and most demented urges.
Shoppers will be granted an Eco-path 'offset certificate' allowing them to commit an evil deed, the depravity of which is linked to the amount they spend on organic vegetables and useless, vole-friendly washing up liquid.
The proposed tariff includes:
£5-£10: kick an indigenous amphibian or minor rodent
£10-£20: burn down a pensioner's shed
£20-£35: push a small child off a swing
£35-£75: moderate torture (waterboarding, genital electricity, ant-pants)
£75+: do a murder
A government spokesman said: "We're all keen to help save the world, provided we don't have to put ourselves out in any way whatsoever.
"Eco-Path encourages consumers to think about things like food miles, while simultaneously giving them an outlet for those atavistic urges that bubble beneath the surface of every one of us like a black, Satanic ooze."
Ethical shopper Nikki Hollis said: "When I go to Waitrose I like to buy the products bearing a picture of a smiling, ruddy-faced farmer in a cable knit jumper because I'm an amazing person.
"However I also want to drive my electric car back and forth over my neighbour's head, crushing it like an overripe melon. So this sounds ideal."