Pandas demand masking tape

KEEPERS at Edinburgh Zoo have received a series of alarming requests from the two giant pandas in its mating room.

Bamboo also makes a serviceable cane

After the second day without bumping furries, a ­scrawled note written in Chinese was pushed through the bars of the pandas’ cage demanding four sets of handcuffs, a box of poppers and something called a ‘Dutch Toast Rack’ which zoo staff have yet to identify.

Keeper Tom Logan said: “We never have this problem with the chimps – give them a four­ pack of lager and a rag to wipe themselves with afterwards and they’re good to go.

“But these pandas are simply not interested in conventional sex. Among their many colourful requests, they want us to move them into a new cage ‘in a murky basement’ with a harness and lube dispenser.”

Zoologists are now exploring the possibility that giant pandas face extinction because their sexual fetishes have evolved far in advance of their ability to enact them.

Panda expert Doctor Helen Archer said: “Life in the remote bamboo forests of China provides little scope for genital branding irons or nipple clamps.

“And even if they were housed in the basement of an Ann Summers, the pandas’ huge paws and bulky frames mean they’re ill­-equipped to manoeuvre themselves into a PVC gimp suit, assuming they could even find one that fits.”

With the likelihood of a successful mating between the pair diminishing, Edinburgh keepers intend to remove the covers from the cage in the hope that being watched gets them off.