the dailymash

Home Office figures show rising carbon emissions being matched by falling rapes since shower rooms were abolished five years ago.

Home secretary Jacqui Smith said: "By allowing prisoners to wash themselves in privacy we risk handing the next generation a burnt-out shell of a planet.

"For the sake of our children it is time to reinstate the ancient British tradition of shower-time sodomy."

She added: "We're also looking at a system of carbon offsetting whereby a prisoner can have a private shower at the weekend as long as he agrees to be buggered on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays."

There was a mixed reaction within the prison system with some inmates suggesting that showering alone was usually more convenient than being set upon by a gang of sex starved maniacs.

Wayne Hayes, a fine defaulter from Reading, said: "To be honest, I think I'll probably just get some extra deodorant and wash my hair in the sink."

But Roy Hobbs, the recently appointed Mr Big at Belmarsh, stressed: "When I say drop the soap, you drop the soap. Do you understand me boy?"