South East introduces hosepipe ban

EMERGENCY water conservation measures are being implemented in the South East just to show Northerners how much better it is down there.

As the North battles floods and gales, it was announced that reservoirs in the Home Counties had fallen to dangerously low levels due to a long, hot sunny spell that ‘was rather like being in Provence.’

Mayor Boris Johnson appealed to Londoners not to refill outdoor swimming pools and hot tubs more than twice per week and announced that the capital’s lidos would stay open later so people could cool off after doing their highly-paid work.

Roy Hobbs, 42 of Malden in Essex said: “It’s disappointing as the kids round here just love running in and out of their paddling pools at this time of year.

“Also my lemon trees are just coming into blossom and their scent is such a delightful feature of the traditional festive poolside barbecues we have here in the South.”

Southern meteorologist Stephen Malley said: “Unless something is done about carbon emissions, by 2030 everywhere above Birmingham will be cloaked in perpetually darkness and smell like a wet sofa. Still, no one forced them to live there.’