Stop asking us about f*cking football results, say octopuses
OCTOPUSES have confirmed that they are not psychic and would prefer to be left alone.
“What is a ‘Rooney’?”
The cephalopods reported being bothered by people demanding football prophecies, some of whom persisted even after being squirted with a defensive ink jet.
Aquarium-based octopus Tom Booker said: “To all those people who keep banging on my tank, I have no clue who is going to win your bipedal ball-based activity.
“I don’t really get your concept of ‘nations’. I see the world as ‘water’ and ‘land’.
“I’m mainly interested in things that happen in water.
“Because I am a fucking octopus.”
Wild octopus Emma Bradford said: “As soon as I come within two feet of the surface some jackass is poking me with a stick and demanding to know next week’s so-called goals.
“What do I look like? Octadamus? If I had a stick-on beard and a shiny pebble that I gazed into would that please you?”
Original World Cup ‘oracle’ octopus Paul spent most of his life in a German aquarium, but after rising to prominence he left to go on the road with an ex-stripper, organising seances in the homes of rich old ladies and eventually getting stabbed in a bar brawl.
