The days are getting longer, say cheerful dickheads
PEOPLE who continually insist the days are getting longer are leaving a trail of psychological destruction across Britain, it has emerged.
As the country lurches wounded through soul-sucking darkness towards the end of January, a small army of sunny-side-up halfwits are managing to make things worse by claiming spring is almost here.
Ignoring the obvious pain caused by their observations, the optimists also insist that it is a shame to waste the light weekends by staying in bed.
Web designer Nathan Muir said: “If we’re being strictly scientific than maybe it was three minutes lighter this Tuesday than last week, but if you make a point of telling me that I will assume that you are out of your mind.
“January and February are survivable if you keep your head down, drink to oblivion as often as possible and surrender yourself to the never-ending night.
“I will not now be speaking until Easter. Good day.”
Nikki Hollis, from Leeds, added: “The signs of spring are birds chirping and leaves on trees. A sunny disposition is not the same as actual sunshine. And prolonged exposure to it is far more harmful.
“It doesn’t matter if the sun rises at 8.02am or 7.47am, I’m still delayed in the gloom at Bingley and trying to work out why the Metro is a successful newspaper.
“If one more glass-half-full simpleton tells me ‘we’re over the worst’ I will bury them alive with a looped recording of Birdsongs of the Norfolk Broads.“