UK’s biggest selling car is a goat

RECORD numbers of UK households are ditching the family car for a medium-sized goat.

The Treasury is under pressure to scrap the goat duty escalator

Rocketing petrol prices, insurance and parking charges mean putting a saddle on a goat is now 64% cheaper than a Vauxhall Vectra.

Mother-of-two Nikki Hollis, who switched to goat last September, said: “We’re running a three year-old Anglo-Nubian female called Pickle. She doesn’t have electric windows but she will eat carrots that have been on the floor.

“When my thighs get sore I just strap on a pair of skates and loop some rope round her neck. If she gets tired I hit her with this stick.

“Security wise, there’s a length of chain I loop around her back legs and then padlock. It’s cheaper than an engine immobiliser and means I don’t get conned out of a grand if it goes tits up.

“And parking isn’t really a problem as traffic wardens are more inclined to give her some of their crisps.”

Hollis added: “She’s much better than the Seat Ibiza I had before, except that the Seat Ibiza didn’t shit wildly every 15 minutes and try to bite men in yellow jumpers. But unlike the Ibiza she can perch proudly on the side of a mountain, and show me the mid-sized hatchback that can be easily barbecued if you lose your job.”

The increasing popularly of goats has forced leading car manufacturers to devlop prototypes with low profile legs and a range of utterly superfluous technology.

Motoring journalist Tom Logan said: “Ford’s Angora ZR is a sporty, versatile goat with patented Anal Containment technology that reduces the greenhouse gas emissions associated with eating absolutely everything.

“It’s basically a cork, though you do have to take it out at night or the goat will burst.”