YOUR polite hand gestures and meek eye contact are never going to get your food ordered. Time to take drastic action, like this:
Put cash on the table
Waiters are notoriously low-paid, and can’t resist a bit of extra cash. Place a pound coin in the middle of your table and their money-grabbing little paws will be upon you before you can say, ‘Shall we get starters?’ The risk of this strategy is that two waiters will spot the money and get into a fight. Still, that might be fun to watch, especially if you’re out celebrating your birthday.
Unleash your children
People find children at restaurants annoying, so the staff will be desperate for you to keep yours under control and avoid getting on the other diners’ tits. Simply remove their iPads and tell them to go and help themselves to the plates on the next table. You’ll have a multitude of waiters with you in seconds.
Shout something stupid
Only an uncultured oaf yells something like ‘Oi!’ or ‘Garçon!’ at a waiter, or goes totally for broke and repeatedly clicks their fingers. However, it will get the staff’s attention and they will be forced to come and serve you. You’ll get your meal, but bear in mind that your delicious French onion soup will arrive with liberal lashings of piss in it.
Start to leave
If you’ve been sat waiting for the bill for an hour, this is by far the best option. Don’t commando roll out of the door or anything, just do what you’d normally do when leaving a restaurant: start putting your coats on, stick the fancy wine glasses in your bag, and so on. For legal reasons, you should shout ‘Well, goodbye then!’ so you have a watertight defence against any subsequent accusations of running off without paying. If they still ignore you, you get a free meal.
Windmill your cock
This will definitely grab the attention of the waiting staff, although they’ll probably react by calling 999 because you’ve just committed a serious crime. At least a trip to the local police station will make a nice change from the previous three hours of clearing your throat and attempting to make eye contact.
