Health

Britain given easy choice between a long, healthy life or crisps

THE UK is facing a choice between continuing to eat crisps or living longer, and made its decision before reaching the end of this sentence.

Mum insists on making your birthday about how you ruined her vagina

A MOTHER has decided that her son’s 25th birthday should be marked with anecdotes about perineal tears and a pelvic floor ‘that never recovered’.

Why is feckless Harry not tending to his father's prostate gland? By Sarah Vine

THE first duty of any son is to care for his elderly father’s prostate. Unless you’re Harry, who is nowhere to be seen when he should be soothing Charles’ inflamed spunk gland.

Touch this picture of a stomach and start praying for Kate

AS a loyal subject it is your duty to help the Royal Family in any way possible, so touch this picture of a stomach and start praying for Kate. Now.

Couples only exercise together to learn each others' weaknesses

COUPLES who run, cycle and attend the gym together are scoping out each other’s physical flaws before the inevitable fight to the death.

Pretend everything's fine: an emotionally repressed dad's guide to getting through Blue Monday

MOST depressing day of the year? Only if you fall for that nonsense. Stoical father Steve Malley tells you how to get through it by not feeling emotions.

Ryvita and seaweed crisps: The joyless prick's guide to snacking

SNACKING is one of the few sources of joy we can look forward to each day. Here health obsessive Lauren Hewitt reveals the best foods to make it miserable.