Health

Doctors' surgeries to become terrifying sex clubs, say old people

PLANS to ask patients about their sexuality mean doctors’ surgeries will become debauched sex clubs full of perverts, old people believe.

‘Self-soothing’ is bollocks, says baby

A BABY girl has confirmed that 'self-soothing' as a way to get her to settle at night is a load of  bollocks.

Obese children less of a problem than the twats moaning about them

CHILDHOOD obesity is not as serious an issue as all the knobheads droning about how it proves Britain has gone to the dogs, experts believe.

Grey-haired dead-eyed morning Wetherspoons drinker only 28

A HUNCHED, shuffling red-nosed man sitting alone in Wetherspoons at 9.45am staring at a half-drunk pint is under 30, it has emerged.

Runny eggs no longer dangerous but still utterly disgusting

BRITONS are not at risk of salmonella from eating runny eggs though they will still sicken anyone forced to watch, a watchdog has confirmed.

Government recommends watching 'Doctors' instead of using NHS

THE government has told people to watch BBC soap Doctors before calling their GP just in case the show includes a storyline about their condition.

Woman decides not to challenge racist bikini waxer

A WOMAN who believes in calling out prejudice in any situation decided not to say anything to the bigoted beauty therapist removing her pubic hair.

Tories unveil brilliant 'Porridge for Breakfast' policy

THE Conservatives have perfected a new, vote-winning policy that everyone must have porridge for breakfast.