Health

NHS to recruit debutante heiress nurses

STUDENT nurses are to be recruited from the society pages of Tatler after the withdrawal of bursaries.

Hunt stays as Health Secretary after May decides she hates everyone in Britain

JEREMY Hunt will remain as Health Secretary because the prime minister is a misanthropic lunatic, it has been confirmed.

Britain’s short-term transition plan involves alcohol

THE UK has announced that its immediate plan for cushioning the economic and social shockwaves of Brexit involves gin, wine and lager. 

Leaving a tiny bit of booze in bottom of glass ‘prevents alcoholism’

NOT completely finishing the alcohol you were drinking proves you do not have a drink problem, Britons believe.

Nights drawing in now, say grans

IT WILL soon be dark in the evenings again, according to Britain’s grandmothers.

Hangovers now include terrifying existential dread, discover over-35s

ONCE you are over 35 hangovers become a bleak psychological prison of paranoia and depression, it has been confirmed.

Exercise really paying off, says permanently injured man

A MAN is really feeling the benefits of his exercise regime when he is not recovering from agonising injuries, he has announced.

Stupidity best cure for anxiety

BEING a moron is the most effective method for avoiding anxiety, research has found.