Health advice just assumes nobody does manual work these days

EXPERTS giving out dietary advice believe everyone spends their days sitting down in a nice warm office, it has emerged.

Woman doesn’t have to watch weight because everyone else does it for her

A WOMAN has abandoned watching her weight because her mother, boyfriend and work colleagues already have it covered.

Nobody genuinely likes olives

EVERY olive is to be made into oil after it was confirmed nobody enjoys eating them.

Food good for you

FOOD may be less harmful than previously thought, it has been claimed.

Sleep still interfering with smartphone use

PERIODS of recuperative rest are still an obstacle to unlimited mobile phone usage, it has emerged.

Internet to cover for junior doctors during strike

ANYONE feeling ill during the doctors’ strike has been advised to just look it up on a computer.

Single people avoid all that kale bullshit, say experts

SINGLE people prefer to avoid kale and other bullshit vegetables, according to a new study.

Ex-raver dad delivers unconvincing drugs chat

A FATHER who used to take loads of Ecstasy has warned his teenage son of the perils of drugs.