Health

British men getting untoned for summer

BRITAIN’S men are getting their bodies into the perfect overweight shape for the beach.

Marathon runners unable to distinguish between real and metaphorical walls

LONDON Marathon participants have been warned that the wall they went through was just a figure of speech.

Exercise just an excuse to eat more chips

BRITONS exercise purely to justify eating more food, it has emerged.

All things now healthy and unhealthy at the same time

EVERY possible lifestyle choice is simultaneously good and bad for you, it has been confirmed.

New form of plastic surgery makes people look better

A REVOLUTIONARY new type of plastic surgery does not make people look worse than they did before.

Men get their own bullshit body types

AFTER decades of women being described as being ‘pear-shaped’ and similar, men have been given their own contrived body shapes.

Homeopathy to cure itself

HOMEOPATHY will have eradicated itself by 2032, it has been confirmed.

Kids collecting cigarette packets for cool horror picture

CHILDREN as young as seven are collecting cigarette packets for the gruesome health warning.