Health

Britain’s short-term transition plan involves alcohol

THE UK has announced that its immediate plan for cushioning the economic and social shockwaves of Brexit involves gin, wine and lager. 

Leaving a tiny bit of booze in bottom of glass ‘prevents alcoholism’

NOT completely finishing the alcohol you were drinking proves you do not have a drink problem, Britons believe.

Nights drawing in now, say grans

IT WILL soon be dark in the evenings again, according to Britain’s grandmothers.

Hangovers now include terrifying existential dread, discover over-35s

ONCE you are over 35 hangovers become a bleak psychological prison of paranoia and depression, it has been confirmed.

Exercise really paying off, says permanently injured man

A MAN is really feeling the benefits of his exercise regime when he is not recovering from agonising injuries, he has announced.

Stupidity best cure for anxiety

BEING a moron is the most effective method for avoiding anxiety, research has found.

Smoker worried by hair in pouch of tobacco that already contains formaldehyde

A SMOKER has expressed concern after finding a hair in rolling tobacco that already contained embalming fluid.

Oh no darling, will you have less holiday? say straight-faced parents

PARENTS have reacted to school summer holidays being cut to five weeks with an outpouring of feigned sympathy.