Both ends, says Queen

IT is literally exploding out of both ends, Buckingham Palace has announced.

'She usually just shakes it off, but this one's a bastard'

‘She usually just shakes it off, but this one’s a bastard’

As Her Majesty the Queen was admitted to hospital in London, a Palace spokesman said it was ‘eye-watering’.

He added: “Oof.”

Doctors at the Edward VII Hospital are assessing the monarch’s condition which is understood to be ‘noisily blasphemous’.

A hospital spokesman said: “It’s not quite ‘dear God almighty, please make it stop’. It’s more sort of, ‘Jesus fucking Christ, where’s it all coming from?’.

“She did get up in the middle of the night for a particularly gruesome episode, during which she promised to abdicate.

“She later changed her mind, insisting people say all kinds of things ‘in the heat of the moment’.”

Meanwhile, the Queen’s treatment is complicated by the fact that under the Act of Settlement only the Lord Chancellor, the Astronomer Royal and the Archbishop of Canterbury are allowed to say the word ‘diarrhoea’ to a reigning monarch.

The Palace spokesman added: “Friday’s swan burgers did smell a bit funky.’