Clubbers Ditch Ketamine For Elephant Tranquilisers

YOUNG Britons are switching to elephant-based drugs after the horse tranquiliser Ketamine was officially designated as so last week.

'It makes you feel really elephanty'

Experts say thousands of clubbers are using a combination of elephant downers, rhino aspirin, monkey amphetamines and a cough medicine developed especially for giraffes.

Drug taker Julian Cook said: "I used to like Ketamine because it gives you that weird, all-over horse sensation and you just want everyone to ride you.

"But it doesn't last long enough and you end up with a really sore back and bit marks in the corners of your mouth.

"Elephant drugs, on the other hand, last for six months and you can strip the branches off a tree and destroy entire villages."

He added: "I also like blue whale medicine. Last Friday everyone came round to my flat and we all harpooned each other while shouting 'thar she blows!'."

Community worker Bill McKay said the animal drug craze had also spread to middle class professionals, with after-dinner mints being replaced by a medium strength tranquiliser normally used to subdue the Thomson's Gazelle.

McKay added: "They use darts they've smuggled back from their safari holidays in Tanzania and then leap around the room listening to Depeche Mode while someone pretends to be a cheetah."