‘E-Numbers Make My Children Hilarious’

PARENTS across Britain have reacted angrily to the European ban on food colourings, claiming artificial ingredients make their children funnier and more interesting.

Isn't Norman Wisdom funnier than your dull child?

The EU wants to ban a range of E-numbers amid claims they are made from diesel by-products and turn you into a raging psychopath.

But British parents insist the right level of artificial colourings can transform a dull, predictable child into an hilarious, pint-sized version of Norman Wisdom.

Tom Logan, a father of two from Bexhill, said: "On Sundays I like to load up my four year-old with a litre of orange squash and then set him loose in the garden with some old vases, a tortoise and a hammer."

Meanwhile thousands of parents are objecting to the changes after spending years controlling their children through a delicate chemical balance of E-numbers and horse tranquilisers.

Emma Stevens, 39, from Chester, said: "I can't remember why we started pumping them full of these things, but we're in way too deep to stop now.

"Take away the horse tranqs and it's like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre in here. Take away the bright orange dye and you have to drag them upstairs by the hair."

Mrs Stevens added: "My children are a healthy, well-adjusted cocktail of artificial chemical compounds.

"To an outside observer they look completely normal, and I'd like to keep pretending that they are until they go off to university and start mixing their own drugs."