Fat Kids To Be Chased To School By Dogs

CARS are to be banned from the school run and children chased to their classes by angry dogs under new Government plans to eliminate childhood obesity by 2010. 

The Government's latest weapon in the war on obesity

The children will initially be given a ten minute start on the dogs, but this lead will be phased out over two years, after which the dogs will also be poked a bit with sticks before being released.

The kids will be given a pound of steak mince and a cat to throw on the ground to distract the dogs should they get to close, however once both have been used up “they are on their own”, the Government said.

Ed Balls, the minister for school children, said drastic measures were needed because most kids were now so fat they had to lie down at all times or else their bones would crumble under their own weight.

He said: “I personally have seen a six year old literally dissolve in his own fat before my eyes. We have to act now or else the whole country could soon be ankle deep in wobbly child blubber. ”

Mr Balls also warned that if the latest measures to halt the rise in obesity failed then the Government would not hesitate to ban children from school altogether to solve the problem.

He said: “Our research shows a direct link between attendance at school and rising child weight. Before they all started full time education British children were all so nice and thin they could fit up chimneys and crawl under fast moving and dangerous machinery. Now look at them.”