Fat People Eating Shitloads Of Soup

AS new research revealed that eating soup could help with weight loss, greedy, fat people across Britain have set about devouring shitloads of the stuff.

Cheese + heat = soup

Soup companies say they are struggling to cope with demand, while fast food outlets are to provide extension cables so their wider customers have somewhere to plug in their hand blenders.

Bill McKay, 18 stone, from Doncaster, said: “I take two pepperoni pizzas, feed them into a garden shredder and then shovel the resulting pulp into a pot of hot beef stock.

“I find it goes very well with a slice of wholemeal bread, plus another eight slices of wholemeal bread, plus some butter, some more butter and some very thick slices of pork. And a chocolate eclair.”

Julian Cook, a 22 stone gourmand from Finsbury Park, said: “I heat two diverse but complementary fromages over a low flame for 20 minutes and then eat it very quickly with a spoon.

“Sometimes I’ll add a sprinkling of lardons, though admittedly that is more of a broth.”

He added: “And look at me now. I’ve lost almost four and a half ounces, though it has to be said, I did weigh myself when I wasn’t wearing my beret.”

Meanwhile Emma Bradford, 19 stone of unstoppable womanhood from Darlington, said: “I just dump a load of funsize Mars Bar into a soup bowl. It’s the same.”

But GP Dr Margaret Gerving was sceptical about the latest diet advice, adding: “How should I put this? Okay… big deep breath… here goes… EAT LESS FOOD AND DO MORE EXERCISE.

“Do not make me say it again, I am begging you.”