Fatties Urged To Buy Mirrors Instead Of Pies
MOST fat people are unaware they are overweight because they spend all their money on cheesy pies instead of a mirror, according to a new survey.
Just seven per cent of respondents classified themselves as obese, with the majority preferring terms such as 'economy size' or 'magnificently wide'.
An NHS spokesman said: "Obesity is the biggest threat the country faces, until we decide it's something else like boiled eggs or chocolate milk.
"Most obese patients just think they're carrying a little 'winter fat' but of course in their case it's a winter that has lasted for years and years. Perhaps they all think they're from Narnia."
A new range of treatments has been developed to help repulsively overweight people deal with false body images, involving cognitive therapy, diet planning and wobbling patients' stomachs while going 'flubbalubbalubba'.
The survey follows a six per cent rise in slapstick hospital deaths after junior doctors committed a series of fatal errors whilst leering at nurses' boobs.
A new study has shown the jump in the mortality rate coincides with the annual intake of newly qualified doctors all attempting to fornicate with Barbara Windsor and Fenella Fielding.
A spokesman for the Royal London Hospital Trust said: "We lost eight patients after a first year house officer crashed through an intensive care ward on a trolley.
"The relatives would have sued, but luckily one of the nurses had the foresight to play her trombone as it was happening, thus making the entire episode absolutely hilarious."
He added: "You have to remember these are drunk, sleep-deprived trainees with massive debts, emotional problems and white coats covered in drug addicts' blood. We're lucky the building is still here."