Fewer Doctors Needed To Treat More Patients, Claims Report

03-09-09

THE fewer NHS doctors and nurses you have the more patients you can treat, according to a government commissioned report.

Episode 12 shows you how to perform an appendectomy on a goat

Management consultants McKinsey have proposed a massive reduction in NHS clinical staff in a bid to drive down the length of time people are waiting to be treated by them.

The report added: "The quickest and most efficient way to reduce a waiting list is to dismantle the very thing that people are waiting for.

"Imagine if you were queuing outside a cake shop and an RAF Tornado came along and demolished it with a laser-guided missile. You would soon ask yourself, 'what am I actually queuing for?' and very quickly you would find that the queue has simply disappeared."

Matthew Elliott, director of the TaxPayers Alliance backed the report, adding: "The NHS could easily be run by four or five janitors, each armed with an All Creatures Great and Small DVD.

"I know it's vets but All Creatures Great and Small is much cheaper than the Grey's Anatomy box set, and anyway, it's all the same pipes."

Meanwhile the BMA stressed that any move to cut costs by shaving so much as a penny off doctors' average pay of £110,000 a year would be met with a 'Harold Shipman-like' response.

A spokesman said: "We'll inject all of you and then if the cops get suspicious we'll stage a fake flu-jab session at every police station and inject all of them too. We fucking dare you."

Tom Logan, professor of medical politics at Reading University, added: "Of course there is always the merest outside chance of a vague possibility that the government commissioned this report just so it could then reject it."

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