Gordon Ramsay's face 'cuts bowel cancer risk'

24-01-12

PEOPLE who visualise Gordon Ramsay’s face while they are on the toilet can reduce their risk of bowel cancer, according to new research.

Thar she blows!

A study of 1000 meat eaters found that bowel cancer rates were 25 percent lower among those who regularly pictured the TV chef each time they defecated over an 18-month period.

Gastroenterologist, Dr Emma Bradford, said: “We think it might be something to do with his chin.”

Bill MacKay, said. “I was suffering from persistent bowel complaints because of the all the bacon I put on my donuts.  Then, I tried the Gordon Ramsay technique and within 48 hours I was a new man – cranking out the old top ten hits with a big smile on my face.”

IBS sufferer, Stephen Malley, added: “At first, it seemed like the treatment had been a complete success. So my girlfriend took me out to to celebrate at our local Tandoori with a goat head vindaloo which we washed down with two pints of Goldschlager and some roofies.

“The next day, I found I couldn’t control the Gordon in my head. He kept doing that dance he likes to do – the Turkish one where his balls are outside his flies. I woke up in hospital with both my legs in traction.”

Dr Bradford added: “Already we’re exploring fascinating new applications. Last week, we noted a 70 percent drop in prescribed stool softeners after we fitted some toilet cubicles with a life size cut-out of Ed Balls giving a speech to the TUC.

“And in urology, patients can pass their kidney stones in under three minutes if the catheter nurse wears a Kate Winslet mask with special holes for the eyes and tongue.”

 

 

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