Gordon Ramsay’s face ‘cuts bowel cancer risk’

PEOPLE who visualise Gordon Ramsay’s face while they are on the toilet can reduce their risk of bowel cancer, according to new research.

Thar she blows!

A study of 1000 meat eaters found that bowel cancer rates were 25 percent lower among those who regularly pictured the TV chef each time they defecated over an 18-month period.

Gastroenterologist, Dr Emma Bradford, said: “We think it might be something to do with his chin.”

Bill MacKay, said. “I was suffering from persistent bowel complaints because of the all the bacon I put on my donuts.  Then, I tried the Gordon Ramsay technique and within 48 hours I was a new man – cranking out the old top ten hits with a big smile on my face.”

IBS sufferer, Stephen Malley, added: “At first, it seemed like the treatment had been a complete success. So my girlfriend took me out to to celebrate at our local Tandoori with a goat head vindaloo which we washed down with two pints of Goldschlager and some roofies.

“The next day, I found I couldn’t control the Gordon in my head. He kept doing that dance he likes to do – the Turkish one where his balls are outside his flies. I woke up in hospital with both my legs in traction.”

Dr Bradford added: “Already we’re exploring fascinating new applications. Last week, we noted a 70 percent drop in prescribed stool softeners after we fitted some toilet cubicles with a life size cut-out of Ed Balls giving a speech to the TUC.

“And in urology, patients can pass their kidney stones in under three minutes if the catheter nurse wears a Kate Winslet mask with special holes for the eyes and tongue.”