I am the greatest thing of all time, says bacon

07-03-13

BACON has asserted that it is the greatest and all other food is its bitch.

The egg doesn't even matter

The egg doesn’t even matter

As researchers linked bacon to a number of health problems including heart disease, bacon announced that it didn’t give a fuck.

Other foods cleared a respectful path as bacon slid out of the fridge to deliver its confident statement.

Bacon said: “Out of my way bitches, bacon’s coming through.

It continued: “You think you can replace bacon with chicken, fish or lentils. You cannot.

“You think a longer, healthier life without bacon is worth living. It is not.

“I am bacon. Smell bacon. Nothing else in the universe smells like that, you firstborn child’s head smells like shit by comparison.

“I’m incredible and I don’t even have to try.

“You go ahead and talk your talk, but you know, and I know, what’s going in the frying pan tomorrow.

“Here’s a clue – it’s not chicken.

“Bacon has spoken. You may go now.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Bacon is full of itself, but when you look at its track record you have to admit such arrogance is well-founded.”

 

 

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