Ketamine ‘works like ITV2’

RECREATIONAL mule tranquiliser ketamine affects the mind in a similar way to programmes about Peter Andre, experts have claimed.

Often used to make horses faint

Research into the effects of the drug on the human mind has revealed direct parallels with ITV2’s sub-lowest-common-denominator series about abs, sunshine and vaginas.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Ketamine produces a sense of disengagement from reality, a literal mind-numbing which can be pleasurable in small doses but if taken to excess will make you shit your brain out.

“Now remove the word ‘ketamine’ from that last sentence and replace it with Kerry Katona: The Next Chapter or The Vampire Diaries.

He added: “Hopefully this discovery will allow us to help ITV2 users by weaning them off Gossip Girl and onto increasingly large doses of ketamine. Mental health-wise there are no substantial benefits but at least they’ll make less noise.”

Veterinary anaesthetic ketamine was introduced into the club scene in 2001 after it was discovered that unconscious horses were actually having a wicked time.

Ketamine fan Stephen Malley, from Swindon, said: “As befits someone who snorts evil-smelling crystals off of speakers at illegal techno parties, I’m not concerned about K’s ‘long-term health effects’. To me ‘long term’ means ‘tomorrow’.

“However I am alarmed that it might be a gateway drug for aspirational television.

“And come to think of it, I did recently find myself, for no apparent reason, wondering what Peter Andre has for his tea.”