Leave Bacon Out Of It, Health Experts Warned


HEALTH experts were last night told to 'go fuck themselves' after advising consumers to give up bacon.

Which would you save from a burning building? One of these or a healthy eating co-ordinator?

The Department of Health in London was under siege yesterday as a mob chanted 'death to the men in white coats' and 'whoever defames the pig should be executed'.

Bill McKay, an architect from Dorchester, said he would rather disembowel himself than live without bacon, the only meat to be approved by the Vegetarian Society.

He added: "We've taken a lot of shit from these people over the years. Perhaps the time has come to throw our health experts in jail."

Rona Cameron, head of bacon sandwiches at the Vegetarian Society, said she believed the experts to be either deranged or in league with the devil.

She added: "I love pigs, they're so cute and clever. But if I was in a farmyard with the smell of fried bacon wafting across my nostrils, I swear to God I'd grab me a shotgun and a meat cleaver."

Wayne Hayes, bacon director at the Bacon Institute said: "Bacon transforms men into incredibly sensitive and generous lovers and guarantees women the longest and most intense orgasms imaginable."

Meanwhile bacon campaigners have issued a series of recommendations for health experts if they wish to carry on living instead of perishing in a huge fireball after someone pours petrol through their letterbox and sets light to it with a flaming rag, including:

  • Leave bacon out of this
  • Shut up about bacon
  • Mention bacon again and you’re fucking dead
  • Don't even look at those sausages
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