Life Is Not Some Piece Of Shit Film, Women Told

WOMEN who think their relationships should mirror those in romantic comedies are pathetic, experts revealed last night.

Scientists asked 1,000 women to list the characteristics they would look for in an ideal partner and 89% said Matthew McConaughey in Failure to Launch.

And when asked the necessary ingredients for a balanced and successful long-term relationship, 94% said Matthew McConaughey in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "Women believe that somewhere out there is the perfect man and that fate will bring them together, usually after a series of silly mistakes.

"But eventually he will realise that the incredibly good looking one he thought he was in love with is really just a stupid, evil cow."

He added: "They will know who he is the moment they see him, and he will know everything they are feeling at the very moment they are feeling it because, really, they are the same person, separated by God at the moment of conception, but now, miraculously, brought back together by him to be made whole again.

"But the thing is, that's a load of shit."

Meanwhile Emma Cook, a sales manager from Derby, stressed that she was just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her, adding: "Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed."

Her husband Julian said: "Alright, I – love – you. Are we done? Good, because I am absolutely fucking soaked."

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Eoghan's Scrotum As Bald As A Coot, Says Diana

X-FACTOR sweetheart Diana Vickers last night said she loved fellow contestant Eoghan Quigg but had not had sex with him yet because he's only five.

Vickers, who hopes to win an Oscar quite soon, said the Irish child star had been very easy to babysit for, even though he did keep grabbing her breasts.

She told Shit magazine: "I love him to bits. He's so round and bouncy. And I can't understand a word he says, which helps a lot."

But Vickers dismissed suggestions that she and Quigg had consummated their relationship, adding: "What the fucking hell are you talking about, you pervert?

"He's two foot six, he still eats mashed food and he spends most of his day rubbing jam on his face and banging pots with a big wooden spoon.

"He is very open about his feelings though. Last week he came up to me, pulled down his trousers and pants and started tugging on his little willy. His scrotum reminded me of Yul Brynner.

"It's really just his way of saying 'hello, pay attention to me'. It's adorable."

But Vickers admitted she and Quigg would become lovers eventually, adding: "The magazine editors have explained how it all works and have promised to make sure I am famous forever.

"Plus, they have my spaniel."

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