Millions Suffer From Carol Vorderman Intolerance

MILLIONS of people in the UK have a genuine intolerance for Carol Vorderman, new research suggests.

Gluten-free chocolate cake can still contain traces of Carol Vorderman, as well as lots and lots of fat. Fatty.

Just a single exposure to one of her adverts for debt consolidation is certain to lead to obesity, projectile vomiting and clinically explosive diarrhoea.

However, repeated exposure to her performances on Countdown will result in otherwise perfectly healthy people suffering blindness, insanity and eventually death, the experts added.

Chrissy Ellen, 36, said she first discovered her dreadful reaction to Carol Vorderman after the television presenter claimed she had developed a gluten intolerance.

She said: “I bet she does not even know what a gluten is. I’d like to get a great big jug of the stuff and pour it down her throat to see if it really would make her swell up and choke to death on her own insides. I bet it wouldn’t, but if it did, would anyone complain? I don’t think so.”

Doctors said the range of celebrities that people claimed to be intolerant of was enormous and growing all the time, but they had no reason to doubt the accuracy of people’s self-diagnosis and warned them to keep avoiding them at all costs.

Dr Wayne Hayes, head of immunology at Dundee University, said all his hair had fallen out after he watched Britney Spear’s recent comeback performance on MTV. “I know it was specifically caused by an allergy to Britney as normally I get hugely turned on by fat girls in knickers,” he said.

Other celebrities the public are largely intolerant to include the actress Rachel Weisz, who most people would like to chase down the street and batter to death with a baguette.

Rod Stewart’s wife Penny Lancaster was also found to be highly unpalatable with most people saying they would like to drown her in a vat of rancid milk, over and over again.