New Crackdown On Orange People

BRITAIN'S orange people are to be banned from enclosed public places under tough new laws, it emerged last night.

Mr Sheridan has denied using sunbeds

The department of health is drafting legislation which will create a new offence of being bright orange in a bar or restaurant, a ban on being orange near a school and a new tax on the ultra-violet end of the spectrum.

From next April sunbeds will carry huge, close-up photographs of Jodie Marsh, the comedy breast lady, freak-wrangler Simon Cowell and Tommy Sheridan, the Trotskyite Big Brother contestant.

Meanwhile a hard-hitting television advert will feature a child saying: "I'm not scared of the dark, I'm not scared of spiders, but I am scared of my dad looking like he's got a basketball for a head."

Ministers stressed they are not anti-orange people and said the rust-coloured will be given access to counselling and be offered a patch which gradually turns them the colour of milky coffee.

A spokesman for the Campaign to Restrict Immoral Sunbed Practices (CRISP) said: "The excessively-tanned give off a toxic mixture of more than 800 carcinogens and their bright orange hue can trigger epileptic seizures.

"We also want a ban on being rust-coloured behind the wheel of a car. And then of course there's all the children."

Emma Bradford, from Stevenage, said: "I think it's a great idea. I hate going to the pub and then coming home stinking of fluorescent tubes."

But critics say the ban could lead to the orange people standing outside pubs if only the British weather was not so consistently awful which is probably why they use sunbeds in the first place.