NHS to go underground by 2020

THE NHS will be an illegal underground network of flooded black-market hospitals manned by sinister masked surgeons by 2020, it has emerged. 

In less than four years most routine operations will be performed in filthy, abandoned hospitals with flickering lighting in theatres with writing on the walls in blood, according to draft reports.

An NHS spokesman said: “Hospitals are expensive, but deserted hospitals staffed only by menacing nurses with hidden faces and unnatural, jerky movements represent a significant saving.

“Failing hospitals will be renamed things like Hell’s Acres and Poison Hill next year in preparation for the move, and then they’ll be mysteriously put into permanent quarantine from 2018 with rumours that the living were boarded up inside.

“By 2020 there won’t be an minor surgery performed that isn’t in a room covered in black mould to the sound of demented giggling and children singing distant nursery rhymes in a bricked-up basement.”

The move follows proposals that GPs must perform unethical experiments designed to create a new race of inhumans on 20 per cent of their patients or risk losing funding.