People Who Snore Are Just Being Shits, Say Docs

19-08-09

A STUDY of habitual snorers has found that they do it just to be a right pain in the arse.

Add one angry pig

Researchers at Reading University undertook a detailed investigation into how someone can breathe normally throughout the day but then start making a noise like a wild pig being violated by Charlie Sheen the moment their head hits the pillow.

Sleep scientist, Dr Tom Clegg, said: "Ultimately there was only one conclusion – sheer fucking devilment.

"We found that snorers are fundamentally horrible bastards who lack the integrity to express their bastardry during their normal waking lives.

"What better way to ruin others' lives than by spending all night 'humping the pig' and then come down to breakfast looking perfectly chipper and asking 'Sorry, was I snoring last night?''

One snorer-turned-serial pet murderer who operates under the name of 'Mary' said: "The best was business trips which involved really stressful meetings. I would contrive to share a hotel room with a colleague under the guise of 'keeping costs down, credit crunch etc'.

"At night I would channel the spirit of the Great She-Pig and the spirit of Charlie Sheen and then let rip with a symphony that, if I was doing it right, would make them want to throw themselves through the window.

"They'd feel too awkward to ask for another room, so the pattern of tortuous sleep-deprivation would continue throughout our stay until they were hallucinating minor Disney characters in crucial client meetings."

She added: "We snorers live just to fuck with people. There is absolutely no reason for it. We're like that clown in Stephen King's It."

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