Personal Superbugs For All, Pledges Johnson

EVERY NHS patient will be allocated a hospital acquired infection with their name on it, under government plans for a personal health service. 

Knowing your share of your GP's mooring fees will make the NHS more accountable

Patients will be infected with their own flesh-eating superbug on arrival by their own dirty nurse, cutting the time taken to reduce them to bare skeletons from the current six weeks to a matter of days, the Government said.

Every NHS 'customer' will also get an annual statement telling them exactly how much of their tax had gone towards their GP's boat. Meanwhile all those waiting more than two months for essential surgery will be given someone to wait with them and help them with sudoku puzzles.

Alan Johnson, the health secretary, said he wanted to see a health service where people could be patronised and belittled by a doctor of their choice, at a time of their choice and at a hospital or clinic of their choice.

He said: "I am working class, I virtually brought myself up and I can remember having to go out and mug old ladies to find the money to buy aspirin for my brothers and sisters. And now look at me standing up here in front of you lot. Haven't I done well?"

Mr Johnson said existing superbugs such as MRSA, clostridium difficile and necrotising fasciitis will be renamed 'Ivar', 'Billy' and 'Poang' to make them easier to remember for dying pensioners, whose brains were half eaten away.

He said: "What kind of society allows its old people to be turned into mouldering clumps of green pus by a jumble of initials or unpronounceable Latin?

"We want our pensioners to be consumed by their own insides by one or two syllable diseases which leave their dignity intact.

"It's the least we can do."