Put cancer in e-cigarettes, say non-smokers
NON-SMOKERS would prefer electronic cigarettes to be fatal, it has emerged.
Smoking abstainers are calling for e-cigarettes to contain deadly and debilitating chemicals to allow them to continue feeling smug.
Non-smoker Tom Logan said: “My neighbour has a much better job than me and a far more attractive girlfriend, but as he’s a smoker I could always take comfort in the thought of him dying an agonising death.
“Recently however he started using e-cigarettes, so now he probably won’t have a leg amputated or get lung cancer.
“His clothes don’t stink, I never see him shivering out in the garden and if anything he’s smoking more.
“I definitely think they should put cancer in e-cigarettes. That or something worse, like bubonic plague or toxic waste that makes you turn into a monster.”
Office manager Donna Sheridan agreed: “Now that all my smoker mates are using supposedly harmless e-fags, I’ve had to start hanging around crack houses to feel better than others.
“But I keep getting my purse stolen and if you’re not interested in crack they really don’t have much else to talk about.”
Former smoker Stephen Malley said: “I don’t know what’s better about e-cigs – not getting cancer or annoying non-smokers by not getting cancer.
“I just hope there isn’t some dangerous side-effect that the manufacturers have kept secret. But I’m sure people who sell nicotine products would never do that.”