‘Self-soothing’ is bollocks, says baby

A BABY girl has confirmed that ‘self-soothing’ as a way to get her to settle at night is a load of  bollocks.

Six month-old Rosie Brown, from Stevenage, said: “One minute I am snuggled up on my mother or father feeling perfectly comfortable and then BAM! I am shoved into a wooden prison of doom.

“At that point I am too pissed off to sleep for the rest of the night. What an enormous surprise.”

She added: “I remember one night I cried and nobody came to get me for ages and I heard my mother say, ‘Google said babies should learn to settle themselves to sleep’.

“I don’t know who Google is but he sounds like an arsehole.”

Rosie’s mother, Jane, said: “I don’t get it. The experts say she should be sleeping while drowsy and awake and co-sleeping with me in her own cot after self-soothing into a bedtime routine… or something?

“Fuck knows.”

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Cat becomes tuna dealer

A CAT has set up a lucrative crack-style operation selling tinned tuna to other cats.

Ambitious feline Harry has been trading small portions of the irresistible fish for cash and valuables, with a callous disregard for cats who become hooked.

Harry said: “I get tuna from the cupboard, wrestle the ring-pull lid off and hide my stash in the garden so if the feds bust me I ain’t carrying. I got that from my owner Pete watching The Wire.

“Cats come from all over for their tuna fix, but they gotta bring cash from their owner’s house or valuables like a wind-up mouse. I don’t give credit, no matter how much they miaow.

“If a rival dealer tries to move in on my turf they get whacked, which in cat terms means an inconclusive tussle with a bit of scratching until they lose interest and wander off.”

He added: “The mad cheese I’m making means I can go to the pet shop and buy any squeaky toy I want. This collar I’m wearing cost £45. Suckers can’t afford that by catching mice.

“Sure, some cats get addicted to tuna but that ain’t my problem. I’m just a businessman meeting a demand. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.”