‘Self-soothing’ is bollocks, says baby

15-10-17

A BABY girl has confirmed that ‘self-soothing’ as a way to get her to settle at night is a load of  bollocks.

Six month-old Rosie Brown, from Stevenage, said: “One minute I am snuggled up on my mother or father feeling perfectly comfortable and then BAM! I am shoved into a wooden prison of doom.

“At that point I am too pissed off to sleep for the rest of the night. What an enormous surprise.”

She added: “I remember one night I cried and nobody came to get me for ages and I heard my mother say, ‘Google said babies should learn to settle themselves to sleep’.

“I don’t know who Google is but he sounds like an arsehole.”

Rosie’s mother, Jane, said: “I don’t get it. The experts say she should be sleeping while drowsy and awake and co-sleeping with me in her own cot after self-soothing into a bedtime routine… or something?

“Fuck knows.”

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