Shut up, say experts


PEOPLE who experience traumatic events should just shut up, researchers said last night.

Yeah, yeah, big fire, blah, blah, blah

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said he had better things to do than sit around listening to someone going on and on about some ghastly thing or other.

He said most of the stuff was incredibly dull as it almost always involved people he had never met, although he did once hear a good one involving a dwarf, a skateboard and a freak decapitation.

He added: “For 30 years we believed the best way to get over something was to go on and on about it. Not any more.”

“Having thought about it again we would be a lot happier if you just shut your stupid face.

“It would not be so bad if we knew at least one of the characters involved, or if you put a little effort into creating some kind of narrative arc.

“But it’s always some loser banging on about the horror of witnessing the death of their entire family in some random event. God, how many times have I heard that one?”

He added: “One lady last week told me that her parents got immolated after their Toyota Prius broke down and got run over by a petrol tanker.

“I tried to lighten the mood. No sense of humour.”

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