Sitting Causes Arse Cancer, Say Docs

SITTING down dramatically increases the risk of arse cancer and should be regulated under strict new laws, doctors decided last night. 

Self-destructive maniacs

The British Medical Association is calling for legislation to ensure people remain on their feet at all times, even when asleep, unless they want to suffer a grisly and painful death.

Meanwhile drinking one glass of beer or wine per year raises the likelihood of death to "well over 100 per cent", while the consumption of a single grain of rice a day will cause a massive, fatal stroke.

However, there is some good news as research, published in the Lancet, shows that smiling leads to lip cancer.

Dr Wayne Hayes, head of health policy at the BMA, said: "Lip cancer is one of the biggest killers of people over 60. That's why we encourage old people to remain thin-lipped and grumpy if they want to live to a decent age."

According to new BMA guidelines people must position themselves on a treadmill and run gently on the spot at all times, or they will be regarded as having recklessly endangered their own health and be barred from medical treatment.

Their mouths should remain closed and turned down while a cocktail of synthetic nutrients is pumped directly into their stomach via a sterilised tube.

Dr Hayes added: "It may sound like a science fiction nightmare, but this will help thousands of people squeeze in another couple of years filled with dementia and incontinence."