Smoothies contain dangerous levels of PR bullshit
THE amount of drivel on smoothie bottles could affect consumers’ mental health, it has been claimed.
Research by the Institute for Studies found that smoothie packaging contains an average 50bsgrams – the unit of measurement used to assess bullshit – exceeding government guidelines.
Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Smoothie makers plaster their products with glib crud about ‘love and hugs’, ‘meanie-free deliciousness’, ‘more refreshing than a box of monkeys’, that sort of crap.
“Usually it’s written in an nauseatingly pseudo-casual tone designed to evoke a sense of ‘matey-ness’.
“When bullshit exceeds a certain level, it has a very specific effect on the human brain, causing feelings of severe agitation and annoyance.”
Last year doctors identified a condition dubbed smoothiephrenia, where smoothie-makers’ ingratiating tripe triggers a psychotic state.
Professor Brubaker said: “A 38-year-old man called Roy Hobbs drove a stolen bus into the London offices of Organojoy Smoothies, whose slogan was ‘Full of win’.
“He then killed himself by repeatedly headbutting a wall until his frontal lobe caved in. His wife said he’d read the phrase ‘yum alert’ on a smoothie bottle and just wanted it out of his brain.
“Smoothie makers need to stop riding around their offices on scooters and start taking responsibility for the amount of psychic damage they’re doing.
“They must realise that consumers don’t want a relationship with them. They just want to metabolise the drink and go about their day.
“This also applies to people who make pies that come in little boxes.”