Sobbing NHS moves back in with mother

HEARTBROKEN sort-of-health service the NHS has admitted that the Tories have been knocking it about again.

The bruised superbug farm had been wooed by promises that the angry and abusive political party had really changed this time and learned how to treat it right. After an unsuccessful relationship with Labour, many think that it was feeling especially vulnerable.

NHS friend, Nikki Hollis, said: “It’s been wearing long sweaters for months but when I asked it why it never went out any more it just fell to pieces and said that Andrew Lansley shouted that it had been asking for a fucking kicking for the last 60 years.

“Apparently he came home from a cabinet meeting one night and went berserk, calling it a ‘useless, lazy bitch’ and asking why it couldn’t be more like BUPA. Then he started rifling through its purse and accused it of spending all his money.

“The NHS said that all it ever wanted to do was make him feel better and that it would try and get slimmer if that’s what he wanted but when it looked into his eyes it was obvious he wasn’t going to stop until it was dead.”

Relationship counsellor Roy Hobbs said: “The classic pattern of the abuser is to make their victim feel worthless, uncompetitive in the modern marketplace and not as good as the French equivalent.

“And the Lib Dems are acting as enablers, trying to eschew responsibility for the abuse by saying they’ve done everything they can to stop them.”

Prime minister David Cameron said: “The NHS is a dozy cow that can’t look after itself or even cook a decent dinner. But I still love it.”

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Government still thinks you drink like a bastard because it's cheap

THE government’s freeze on alcohol duty in yesterday’s budget suggested they still, after all these years, think money is a factor in your getting shitfaced.

Jeremy Hunt’s announcement you will not be charged any extra for getting wrecked proved they do not understand Britain’s fondness for sweet, sweet booze that feels warm and fuzzy as the stress of your job melts away into a river of fermented yumminess.

A spokesman for the alcohol industry explained: “London is full of young people who have decided not to have expensive, complicated children so they can afford Stella Artois at £7.70 a pint.

“The piss you invariably find yourself ankle deep in on a Friday night in Soho is already outrageously expensive, but does it ever stop flowing? It does not.

“Meanwhile middle-class couples have put their children to bed and are now draining bottle after bottle of nicely chilled white. Do they care about the cost? They could not give a f**k for it.

“Perhaps the government should ask why we nightly yearn the gentle bosom of inebriation, instead of thinking they’re doing Britain a election-winning favour by not arbitrarily jacking up the price to line their own pockets?”

He added: “Shame they didn’t put 2p on. We’d have added 5p, the pubs 25p, the bars of London £2.20. And you’d have kept drinking because we’ve done it before.”

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