Sober Britons risk dangerous levels of clarity


AS the UK’s alcohol intake falls, doctors have warned that millions of sober people are unprepared for the full horror of modern Britain.

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New NHS figures indicate a ‘long-term downward trend’ in alcohol consumption. But medical experts have warned that Britons who are not either slightly drunk or hungover will be unable to mentally process the awfulness that surrounds them.

Doctor Tom Logan said: “I’m seeing patients who are very agitated and confused. They’re convinced that everyone is pretty hostile, the country is run by shady criminals and Essex is a real place.

“I have to explain that all these notions are entirely accurate, but they’re just noticing for the first time because they’re off the sauce.

“We must introduce a minimum alcohol intake – I’d suggest three pints per day – to provide a ‘booze cushion’ against the awfulness of reality. And we must do it before Big Brother comes back on television.”

The extent of the problem is such that Dr Logan has produced a leaflet titled Introduction to Reality, describing the realities of alcohol-free living.

He said: “It’s things like, when you go to the cinema and hear voices in the darkness, it’s not an aural hallucination, just that everyone’s really rude. And how the sky is that grey colour naturally.”

Plumber Stephen Malley headbutted a sheet of plate glass on a trip to a shopping centre. He said: “I’d not been drinking for a few days, and the people just looked like bald yelping chimps dragging bags of pointless crud while stuffing pasties into their heads, like in a science fiction book or something.

“Anti-alcohol campaigners don’t warn you about reality. They only care about livers and other internal organs that probably do nothing anyway.”




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