MOST therapists claim they can help homosexuals to restrict their gayness to weekends only, according to new research.

In a survey 97% of mental health professionals said that if a patient came to them asking to be made less gay or not gay at all, they would be more than happy to sign them up for an introductory period of 48 weekly sessions.

These men chose to be gay in exactly the same way as they chose to wear trunks

"In order to control the gayness I show them pictures of naked ladies, sometimes on all fours with a sexy, come-hither look on their face, sometimes with legs akimbo. I then ask the patient if he is exepriencing erections.

"Of course, we can't cure people overnight and in the vast majority of cases it takes years and years and years - and years - of weekly therapy at £150 an hour. It sounds like a lot, but as I always tell them, you can't put a price on being slightly less gay."

Meanwhile the survey also found that 75% of therapists said they would help patients who wanted to make themselves taller via the power of thought, while 58% said they could 'cure' people of Welshness.

However, Julian Cook, of the gay rights group Stonewall, said: "There is very little evidence to show that treatments to reduce Welshness are effective.

"Being Welsh is not a choice and when young people are awakened to their Welshness they need suppprt and guidance to help them cope with the prejudice they will face, while also keeping them behind a 16ft tall electric fence."

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