Tranquilisers Replace Television As World’s Favourite Childminder


CRUSHING anti-psychotic drugs into some yogurt has replaced television as the world's most popular method of child care, new research shows. 

The drugs work just fine, thank you

Almost 70% of mothers said heavy sedation was the best way of neutralising their children while they talked to their friends over a glass of white wine.

Meanwhile 88% of fathers said they liked to give their kids a double dose so they would sit still during Top Gear.

Emma Hollis, 36, said: "When we were first married we liked to eat out a lot, but then, for some unknown reason, I let Tom get me pregnant.

"Then the nightmare began. They would just run around all the time, shouting, laughing and behaving in the most ghastly, childish way. Until we discovered the joy of extra-strength pharmaceuticals.

"Now they're so peaceful Tom is able to flick an olive into Jack's mouth from about six feet away. The drooling can be a bit off-putting, but if it gets bad we just turn their chairs around."

Holly Turnbull, 34, said: "I would never just leave my children in front of the television all day.

"After five minutes the little bastards are either fighting over the controls or playing Manhunt and battering each other with plastic swords.

"Now I crush two tabs of diazepam into their Petit Filous and they just sit there like a couple of turnips. Result."

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